the countdown.

My friend, Renée, told me that lately when she finds herself in bed at night, she says to her husband, Bruno, "Well, here we are again." And it seems that's just how the days are going lately. You too? Each day is sailing by and before I know it, I'm laying my head back down on my "Buenos Días" pillowcases. 

For the better part of my first year in Mexico City, I allowed myself to live in a countdown. A countdown until my next visit to the states, the next big marker of time in Mexico, and until the end of my term here. So much of me was absent from the present because I was so stuck on the future. 

There's a quote by Jim Elliot that I came to love: Wherever you are, be all there. 

Many times I reminded myself of this and prayed it might be true of me. 

This year, countdowns scare me in a new kind of way. Now, I'm begging for the numbers to roll a little slower. 

In a little over a month, I'll be back in the states for several months. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be raising support again and thrilled for the in-between moments to spend summer days with friends and neighbors gathered close on the front porch, take the fishing boat out with dad, celebrate the weddings of people I love, and going on dates with my brothers and sister. 

But there's a part of me that mourns the closing in of this countdown. Eventually I'll be coming back to Mexico, but all of a sudden, leaving feels so hard and the change more and more unwelcome. Maybe because it feels a lot like releasing. Releasing my relationships, my ministries, and my projects. . . because mostly, I'm learning that they were never mine to begin with. 

I'm still not sure what to expect from 2015, but whether I'm in Mexico City or in the U.S.A., I want to be all there. Because whether or not you use a countdown app (guilty), these days are flying by and I want to commit to carrying joy regardless of where I am and regardless of when. 

(Pictured: How could I not miss all the neighborhood kid shenanigans? . . .)