Tuesday, June 10, 2014

the waiting.

This afternoon I picked up my MRI and X-ray results. As soon as I had one foot out of the hospital doors, I stuck my hand elbow-deep into the large, tan envelope. My fingers quickly found what they were searching for and drew out a smaller, thinner envelope containing the doctor's report. 

I'll tell you this: Mexico City sidewalks aren't designed for multitasking. And an attempt at simultaneous walking and reading rewarded me with a sharp pain through my knee as I stumbled over uneven pavement, promptly reminding me of my initial injury 2 1/2 weeks ago. The doctor had confirmed my fears: torn ACL (among other things). These tests would examine the extent of damage and determine the intensity of the inevitable surgery. I imagined a summer of surgery, weeks of unrealized plans, and months of physical therapy, slow recovery, and limits I was less than comfortable with. 

But here, somewhere buried in medical Spanish were the answers I had been waiting for. 

Waiting. The past days had a way of feeling like months burdened by uncertainty, with fear and worry trying to creep their way in.  My heart striving to combat those things by resting in the words of an old testament king, making his prayer my own. When faced with an army coming against him, he cried out to the Lord, admitting his fear, but closed with, 

"…we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.

My eyes finished scanning the doctor's report only to start from the top and scour it again…and again. But I never found what I was so sure was there: not a torn ACL, not a damaged meniscus, not any reason for a surgery. Nothing but hopeful words. 

I can't say I understand exactly how the Lord answered my prayer, but it looks like the only necessary operation was on my heart. As I waited,  He began unfolding something beautiful: a deeper, more dependent trust, an upward focus, and a releasing of my fear and uncertainty. 

We don't keep our eyes on Him in hopes that everything will work out the way we want it. We keep our eyes on Him, resting in the promise that it will work out for our good and for His glory. 

And we have faith that beauty is born in the waiting. 

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